Gothic Bite Magazine is officially relaunched this week! To kickstart our new beginning, we decided to do a week on how to survive an iconic slasher killer.
McConaughey Wasn’t Driving A Lincoln
The GBM Relaunch is winding down, and shockingly yet another Friday the 13th where I’m not talking about Jason. Biters, I can hear you cry blasphemy.
After all, it’s his big day, but we can’t end this relaunch without sending you off with some southern hospitality. That’s right, let’s talk Leatherface.
We have established that I’m not the biggest horror fan across many articles. So I only really have a basic understanding of Leatherface himself. I guess it makes me perfect for writing this article since I have roughly the same knowledge as his victims.
That said, you will get very mixed results with my guide. My intel comes from parody versions of him and the dreaded 1995 movie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. I know, I know. I was channel surfing and saw McConaughey driving something other than a Lincoln, so I had to stop.
How are we gonna escape? Well, I have a few ideas! Let’s start with the one I had that inspired the theme for this week.
Be Big. Be Loud. Just Like In Bear Attacks
I remember thinking…
So, Biters, I say embrace your inner drill instructor, nagging spouse or overbearing parent. Leatherface is submissive by nature, so be as toxic as his family may get him to back off. Note this tactic will not work on his brother Vilmer.
Let’s Talk Combat
Right out of the gate, Leatherface is a butcher. Like all the great 80s horror icons, he loves his cutting tools, so stay ranged if you plan to fight back.
Melee is his bread and butter. Going back to the kitchen scene I mentioned earlier, when Zellweger’s character Jenny had the gun, she could have ended it all then and there, but Vilmer got in her head, and she hesitated.
This is just a “normal” family. Like Ghostface or Jigsaw, they are in no way supernatural like Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, or Pinhead, and shouldn’t be able to tank gunshots if you shoot to kill. So tip number two if you can get hold of a firearm, Biters, just use it.
Don’t hesitate because The Sawyer clan won’t when it comes time to make dinner.
Enough Offence. Let’s Talk Defence
As well as the franchise’s title weapon, Leather’s beloved chainsaw. Provided you can get to it before he can, disable it. Cut the cord, siphon its gas put sugar in the gas tank.
Sure, I know what you’re thinking. I have Leatherface’s saw. Why don’t I just use it? Here is my thinking: chances are that Leatherface is bigger and stronger. If you’re close enough to use it, he’s close enough to take it back.
Sure he may still have his other knives, but they won’t have the reach his chainsaw does or the ability to cut through obstacles you put in the way to slow him down.
Now Biters, let me repeat, I’ve only seen The Next Generation that I’m told even fans don’t recognize as cannon. So this last one may not work with the other incarnations of the Sawyer clan.
Let’s Talk About Finding Help
If you can get away, run and don’t just stop at another private residence. Get somewhere public and crowded. From what I saw, except for Vilmer’s girlfriend, the family doesn’t leave their land, and the town is unaware of what they do.
That being said, unless she wants to draw attention, She will have to call you the one who got away instead of the main course.
Now I hear you asking, what if you can’t run away? Don’t worry, I got you covered… sort of.
Trust nobody. As I mentioned, the town has no idea what’s happening in the house, which means anybody showing up on their land is a safe bet they are on Leatherface’s side.
So for tip three, assume it’s you versus the world. Fall back on the other tips until you can get free, and don’t stop until you’re back in town.
That’s All, Folks!
Well, Biters, that’s all I’ve got. Keep your horror tropes in mind, and hope your luck was good this Friday, the 13th.
Till next time I’m off to try some down-home cooking.