“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” — Yoda, Star Wars

What Is Your Greatest Fear?

When Alexa first asked what I thought about doing a theme of phobias among the writers of GBM, I admit for a moment I paused. To explain what scares us each the most is not only different for each of us, but it is also intimate and personal.

However, each and every one of us has a fear. We may hold it close to our hearts but it is always there, lurking in the shadows or sometimes it is brazenly in the light. It can appear to us when our eyes are closed tight, or when we are wide eyed and quite aware.

At the end of the day, us explaining and sharing our fears may help others. So, with that in mind, I told Alexa I was on board.

My fear is not the one those closest to me would guess if you were to ask them. I have a known fear of fish which led to a fear of water that I can not see through. But these are not my greatest fear. I will try, in my way, to relay what I have found to be my greatest fear to be.

Digging Deep

I would say my greatest fear started making itself known more recently in my life than those above. The clinical term for my fear or phobia is Monatophobia. Simply put, the fear of dying alone. For me this fear began to manifest in full swing about a year to a year and a half ago.

I claim it as my greatest fear as it grips my mind totally when it appears and it is unrelentingly stubborn. I will do my best to describe what it feels like for me. Granted to each their own, as for everyone things are different.

My life has been visited by death in many forms.I have actually died in my life, after giving birth to my daughter. I have had death visit many family members and friends. 

I even have death visit me quite regularly in my adult life doing rescue work with animals both domestic and feral.  I have done animal rescue for about six and a half years.

There are moments of great joy upon being able to improve or save a life.To use the skills you have learned first hand or been taught to help treat those who have no voice. But when dealing with lives, it has a heavy price as well.

There have been many that mine and those with far superior knowledge have been unable to help. But of those I have been unable to help, for those too far gone,I have never left them alone when the choice was mine to make. I stayed, holding them until they had passed.

It would haunt me to think of their eyes searching for comfort. For anyone to just be with them as they are scared and confused. So when the time comes, I am either already there or am called.

To be honest even when I am unable to be there I am called throughout the process with updates. One of the comforts is to know the pain is gone.

This also translates into one of my other jobs as a Direct Support Professional. While it has not happened to me yet, it is inevitable that one day I will lose a client and it is my hope that I am strong enough to ease their transition as well.

Especially those who have survived their bloodlines and have no one to be there with them. I would be honored to be that familiar face.

Breaking It Down

But I believe that this is where my fear stems from. We each have a fork in our paths. One where we will take the next step and transition to the next stage. This stage is different for each of us, depending on what we believe.

I, personally, would like to think that it is like the movie Requiem for a Dream where our Heavens or Hells stem from our minds. Our Heavens, the places, faces, and things that brought us the most joy in life.

Our Hells, prisons of our minds, chained by our misdeeds. But who truly knows what awaits but the dead themselves? All else is speculation or faith.

My fear to die alone feels like isolation and loneliness. The dark, silenced, forgotten feeling. To have none there to ease the fear, anxiety, the trepidation. For me this is almost too much to bear.

To live may be an awfully big adventure, but it is not lived alone and I believe we are not meant to pass alone either.

To know we are cared for, loved, kept close to the heart. It seems such a simple task but is meaningful and carries a toll on both sides. In one case no choice is available and in the other it is a memory that will stay for forever.       

For me, this is the best explanation that I can give and I hope that maybe, it makes someone feel not so alone anymore.

Kendra Hale